That was the title of a Judd Apatow universe movie I had watched, if may I use the word, "ages" ago. Around that time, we had had that movie, and another, by the name of Turning Thirty. I haven't checked it, but I would guess most of the cast of that was well past thirty. Anyway, memory is playing tricks on me - I swear I recall watching Turning Thirty in a hostel room at Pantnagar, but the timestamp of the movie shows I would have been at either Railway Staff College, Vadodara, or, maybe, at my first official residence at Pali Hill Railway Colony in Bandra. Anyway, I scarcely recall that milestone birthday. On racking my brain, I recall it being a day of polling in the 2015 Panchayati Raj election. I was a 'young' Joint Magistrate posted in Meerut then, and it was the last phase to be held in my subdivision. I recall receiving celebratory messages from my fiancée's (now my wife's) relatives, standing in the fields outside a rural booth, next to my brand new Tata SUMO. I recall celebrating with Domino's Calzone Pockets (yeah, they existed then) with a fellow Joint Magistrate (who had just joined the District) - the celebration was more about the end of polling, rather than the milestone it represented - 30 years. In contrast with my 29th, when I had had my family (parents and brother) with me, and despite an event ridden time (a toxic ammonia leak in a factory on the eve), I had had a memorable celebration. We had visited all the known tourist spots in Meerut District, well beyond my own jurisdiction. By that measure, the 30th was just tame. Anyway, I have not been a big fan of my birthday, since my first year in the college. More about that later.
So this year, I turn 40. Now, when one is married, one's spouse is more excited about one's birthday. My wife has been ensuring that my birthdays get celebrated - planning the small decorations, getting the guests invited, and actually carrying it out - all in the face of stiff inertia from my side! So my 37th was disguised as a huge retirement party for both our fathers. My 39th was dressed as a bonfire between friends. The 38th, I was sitting as an Election Observer in Warangal, and I had to take initiative for her sake, and cut the cake on Video Conference! (That duty had made me be away from home on Diwali, my marriage anniversary as well as my birthday!) However, this time, I had 'consented' to have a slightly bigger party. Our social circle had expanded after we met other officers (in non-official settings), and their families! Plus, this was the place of my birth, and I had planned to visit the specific place on the occasion, just like that. However, fate had other plans, and I got transferred across the length of the state. Uprooted out of the big established social circle, we still had cobbled up a small plan, but medical exigencies in the family put paid to that. Finally we have just my family and my parents in the house, as I start my fifth decade on this planet!
I think I must pause and regale why my attitude towards birthdays changed. When I was a boarder at Oak Grove School Mussoorie, our winter vacation began on 30th November. Most of us had a 24 hours plus journey to endure. For me, this led to a train birthday party! Folks would get some sweets, savouries and cake packed on the evening of departure, and we would be all ready. On the morning of 1st, as the train chugged through the sun-kissed country side and small wayside stations, all the known persons (which meant almost everyone in the coach) gathered in our bay of the coach, and i would cut the cake going mile a minute, with the sweet prospects of seeing home after more than 5 months! That was fine till 2003, my last December in the school. The next year, i started big - bought a new cycle and took my friends to a treat at Century (an eatery in Nagla, near the University main gate). However, I was summoned that evening by the head of the T&P cell (the only 'extracurricular' society i was able to make it to), who trashed my work, and commandeered my new cycle on "cell business", and it was returned late evening to me, all trashed up. On a normal day, it would have felt bad, but on a birthday, it felt painful. Since then, I have wanted to have my birthday just pass off somehow, without anything untoward happening!
This was not so always. In fact, sometime in my middle school, 1st December was a sort of State Day for an imaginary global 'republic', to be founded by me in the future! As per Harari, all states are ultimately fiction subscribed to by everyone. This was a fiction subscribed by me alone. We had a name, (Cooperative Republic International), and a flag (a dragon ascendant with a lance and a shield, guarding the globe, on a background of sky blue!), which I used to hoist on my upper berth at the stroke of midnight. I must describe the idea - fantastic though it was. The fantastic part was the technology I had assumed - primary and secondary sector totally organised into customizable mechanized facilities owned by the state. It was to be operable through accounts of users / workers from a remote terminal. They could use these facilities as per own need or as per market need, and the appropriate idle facility would get customized to fulfil that need. Not unlike the gig-economy we have today! More on that later. This was, however, not the most fantastic future i had envisioned. In primary school years, i had fantasized about building / possessing a huge flexible submarine, which looks like a giant whale! I had not read about Captain Nemo and his Nautilus yet. My sole fantasy was just gliding around the sea-floor (which was sunlit as well as a 10 metre pond would be!), scooping in resources from there - my fantasy did not include provisions for how I was converting the sea weed into energy, or, even more strangely, into aloo tikki that emerged out of an oven on the dashboard - as i gazed out of the big whale-eyes, feeling strong and solitary. (I guess that beat the actual state of feeling weak and alone!)
Not all my fantasies were so fantastic, though One of my more realistic fantasy was being an astronaut, for the Indian manned mission that was still under consideration then. To that end, I even wrote the NDA exam in 2003. I somehow knew that submariners / aviators would be the best choice of astronautics, so I chose Naval Academy, which had the opportunity for doing both! Of course, I knew my physical capabilities - taking part in the Class trip to Delhi to write the exam was more of an excuse to visit Delhi, especially when we see that UPSC had made a centre at Dehradun too. As luck would have it, they had changed over from Class X mathematics to Class XII mathematics that year, and most of the leading contenders from the class did not qualify. Only 4 of us did, 3 from Naval Academy choice. We three got SSB call at SCC Bhopal. I was again in two minds about letting myself face the ignominy of failure in front of the military officers, but, in view of continuing company of classmates (our XII Boards ended on 18th March and the SSB began on 20th March - and three of us were called together), I took my first (and second, if the two legs are counted separate) train journey alone, to Bhopal. One of us was screened out early, and then the two of us continued to the end. Only I was recommended - and ultimately secured AIR 2 in Naval and 19 in Army list. That was despite my non completion of many of the individual tasks, including the double ditch which I did not try at all. A recent article shows that completion is not a part of their evaluation matrix. They must have noticed my terrified but determined commando walk. I definitely had a strange command task, where I was called alone and asked to play the commander and the commanded together! However, that was not to be. My eyes were deemed unworthy of Navy or Airforce. So, astronautics being out of question, I dove into the big pool of Engineering.
Our class XI had been very badly done, especially in Mathematics. We had a well meaning but inexperienced part time teacher. We took advantage of his good nature, and his easy papers. By the time, in Class XII, we got serious and took help of the sister school, our preparation for science stream competition was seriously compromised. IITs were out of question. I did muster Electrical Engineering at NIT Patna, but baulked at the idea of going to Patna (which was ironic, since my father got posted to Bihar soon after - Sonpur first and then Danapur - my vacation travel would have become so much easier). Finally, through the state counselling, I got into Mechanical Engineering at College of Technology, Pantnagar. In the hindsight, it was a very good college, and had excellent teachers. However, at the time, we felt kind of rejected - by the IITs as well as the NITs. I was rejected by Ashok Leyland in the campus placement, and then selected by Maruti, before the 3rd year ended. I got a Masters call in Aeronautics from IISc Bangalore. Still, I chose to join DMS at IIT Delhi for an MBA, because that was the only GD PI I could clear, and I figured I could do a Masters any time I wanted, but this lone convert could be my only chance at an MBA! With that negative motivation, I joined MBA, and it was no surprise I felt a misfit and hence miserable. Anyway, I had joined MBA in the glorious year of 2008, of the Lehmann Meltdown infamy. So almost everyone was miserable and the misery kept getting redistributed. The weight of the chips on the shoulder kept getting bigger - a sub-90% Class XII, a non IIT non NIT engineering degree, and a non IIM MBA! Some relief came when my botched up attempt at Engineering Service fructified at AIR 6. However, even at that level, getting a service was doubtful, as my eyes (which put paid to my astronautics dreams earlier) left me eligible only for services with very few seats. I was lucky to get into the last seat of Indian Railway Stores Service. It was a fine 9 to 5 job. It let me travel across India in the training. It led me to set up an independent household - in Mumbai!) for the first time. Still, something was missing. People have various motivations for taking the Civil Services examination - mine was simply to try and prove the promise that I was not Tier 2! Mercifully, it was done. No truer words have been said than what our Director said on our Inauguration Day - You may think you have "arrived", but you have not "arrived". Still, it put a nice climax to my competitive examination journey.
Adulting, of course, is never about the straight and the narrow, and life, generally, is not fair. In an organized economy (unlike in school), the fact that you did your own work sincerely does not guarantee that your job turns out so well! Especially in jobs like Executive Magistracy, about seven years of my work life - where a random squabble between two persons you never met, or a random speech by some far off weirdo, can screw your days, at anytime. Being the "boss" too isn't all that it is made to be. Having authority to make the choice between the Devil or the Deep Sea isn't exactly an enviable position! Especially when both have powerful friends. Plus, there is no absolute boss in this world. Every boss, how so ever powerful he may appear from down below, has his own Boss. Over my working life, the best job is being a Boss's go to guy. Be valuable to the boss, do an honest effort to lighten his mental load, be sincere and loyal - but leave the actual decision making to him. In such scenario, you get almost all the benefits of feeding at the top of the trough, and avoid the brickbats that eventually come from decision making. Of course, this presumes working for a good boss, and in this regard, I have been lucky. Ultimately, the truth is, all jobs are, in the end, jobs. Recently, one of my friends, who is a judicial officer, was visiting on the last day of an extended weekend. Having joined the IAS, it is the one job I covet longingly, that of a Judge! However, he exclaimed at the end, with a rather sorry face, that he "has to do" Court again from 'tomorrow.' I could only smile within - not only does a Collector dread sitting in the Collectorate on a Monday morning; even a Judge feels the same about the Court! Of course, there are good days. There maybe many. However, in Physics, as in life, 'work' cannot be done unless there is an opposing element in the environment.
As I cross 40, I do feel a bit apprehensive. My facebook keeps telling me the 40s are the most challenging part of the life. Kids enter the challenging part of their schooling - check. Parents face health and emotional issue - kind of check. What surprises me, is that my inner perspective is still largely of a kid! (Or maybe with a bit of an adolescent, if you know what I mean!) Faced with trials and tribulations of work and life, I may 'think' with the brain of an adult, but i still 'feel' with the mind of a child. Is it weird? I don't know. If I look at the adults around me, I think my father, who is 64 now, also 'feels' the same way. Do I think everybody feels the same way? I think it would take a war like trauma to really extinguish the kid inside. I would really like to know the readers' perspective in the comments.
As parting thoughts, I ponder over the fact that by all averages (70.9 yrs for an Indian male, 72 for an Indian generally), I have lived out more than half of my lifetime. The realization that 26 of those years were spent competing for jobs, (not that the next 14 have been a cakewalk either), 31 of those were spent single, and that only the last 7 have been as a father, does seem like getting the wrong end of the stick. The lines - Saari Umr Hum, Mar Mar Ke Ji Liye, Ek Pal To Ab Humein, Jeene Do, Jeene Do - (from the Millennial anthem from Three Idiots), does strike a resonance. However, equally resonant are the lines - Aankhon Me Jiske, Koi To Khwab Hai, Khush Hai Wohi Jo, Thoda Betab Hai - (Phir Dekhiye, from Rock On). Of course, there are many what-if; many things which could have been done differently, especially from a fitness and sports perspective! Of course the biggest what if would have been studying law instead of management (I don't regret my Engineering degree!) Still, I remain in the pursuit of knowledge for knowledge's sake (a tenured job gives one that liberty!) I have been trying the read Road to Reality by Sir Robert Penrose for half the decade now. However, in my last attempt, I was more successful in understanding things - aided by ChatGPT, a thing that did not exist when I tried reading R2R for the first time. More and more Youtube videos make it easier to understand concepts which were hard to grasp when we were actually studying them. Kindle makes it easy to download and read any book, without the clutter or the physical load. The dream to actually study the Law, and to practice it (not just from the bench of a Revenue Court) remains strong. I note with certain pride that my rulings in those humble Courts still guide the later incumbents, or, at least, the Court Readers. Maybe a stint on the Board someday would lead to real rulings! Of course, the quest for real authorship remains - a life so dedicated to reading should, ideally, return something really worth reading, to the world. That, if does transpire, would be the pinnacle. For, it has been rightly said - Ek Din Bik Jayega, Maati Ke Mol; Jag Me Reh Jayenge Pyare Tere Bol.
Live from Life, dear Readers, this is 40!
